My clients know that I’m the first person in the room to share my personal experiences if I feel like it will help them get through a difficult process. What I normally don’t share though is a lot about my personal relationships. When I sat down to write today, however, I feel like I need to make an exception. I look at the current environment politically and all the hate being spewed out with little to no regard to integrity. Something I heard once from Pastor Darryl DelHousaye, of Redeemer Bible Church, was if you want to know what’s really inside of someone, bump into them and see what spills out. This thought has stuck with me throughout the years. When I first moved my practice to Coeur d Alene Idaho, I met and befriended a ton of people.
It wasn’t until 2020 and the Covid 19 drama ensued, that I really saw who of these new friends was like minded and who was so opposite to my values. I watched fear overtake rational people and their behaviors change drastically. I would reach out to a “friend” to grab a coffee, only to be told “I’m a masker!” so if you will wear a mask, I will meet you. Oh for goodness sakes! My eyes rolled back in my head so many times that year that I’m surprised they didn’t permanently stay that way. People I know and love were being left notes on their front door scolding them for having too many people over. (Even though it was just immediate family). People tattling on people like it was grade school was nothing I could have predicted because I had so much faith in humanity.
When I reflect back, however, I realize that the changes I saw in people really became obvious to me during the 2016 Presidential Election, long before Covid 19. I remember like it was yesterday sitting at a “friend’s” computer looking up real estate listings when hate emails kept popping in one after the other. I wasn’t snooping; it was the banners that kept announcing the subjects coming across her screen that told me everything I needed to know about how she leaned politically. It changed the way I thought about her and I told myself that I wasn’t going to judge a person because of some belief system about who should run our country. It was hard. I wanted to walk out of her door and never look back but that’s not how I deal with conflict. I wanted to understand how someone seemingly kind on the outside could subscribe to such hate filled emails. As that year progressed, I asked questions and decided I could still be friends although our voting choices were clearly going to be different. After all, that what makes democracy right? different strokes for different folks right?. When the election was over, is when I saw good sportsmanship go out the window. Sore losers claiming fraud and pouting like obstinant children. Cries for impeachment, don’t get me stated.
Instead of graciously accepting that their preferred party had lost, people lost their minds and acted out like toddlers. To be perfectly honest I’m ok with everyone voting their conscience,whether we agree or not. It’s when adults cannot behave like adults, it shows what they truly have inside for values. Throughout history, many leaders have come and gone. Some election cycles, your man wins; other ones your man loses. I remember back to high school and being told to pick a candidate and write a report on why you chose who you chose. We were taught to behave with understanding and grace when our friends make different choices. We were taught that true democracy depends on letting the voters decide who best represents the values of the people they represent.
I feel like a lot of people need to go back to high school now to learn these simple lessons in civics. Nowhere in school was I taught if I couldn’t win a race fairly, then I could do whatever possible to win, including cheating and bad mouthing my opponent with blatant lies. So while I still believe wholeheartedly in free expression and independent thinking, I now understand that it is integrity that is more important than that.
For those in the back with their hands up, no, I am no longer friends nor do I socialize with this person. It wasn’t the difference of opinion. It was the lack of integrity and utter lack of manners when losing that sealed the deal on that one. When this person was bumped hate and vitriol spilled out.
